Tuesday, May 7, 2013

A Story to Remember

As you may recall from this post, we had recently encountered a difficult moment in this adoption journey. Sometimes if felt as if we were hanging on by a thread. We knew God had said to adopt from Ethiopia again - we had even spent 40 days fasting last spring to confirm that we had indeed heard correctly. We knew that we were deeply connected to Ethiopia and couldn't fathom walking away from this country, so we kept waiting, but the waiting was so hard at times and a true test of our patience and faith.

When we began this adoption journey two plus years ago, it was because our little man had been daily praying for his brother and sister. Initially we thought these prayers were cute. Then after several months of consistent prayers from him, we began to take time to pray and consider and that is what led us into starting our second adoption.

Fast forwarding through October of 2010 to September of 2012, when I awoke early one morning after having a dream. I can't tell you all of the details, but what I do remember is walking behind two little children toward M. and having such a sense of urgency to update our home study to include two children. Later that day I called our state agency and found out that despite someone in the office previously telling us we could not accept the referral of a sibling group, that we indeed could! So we began another round of chasing papers, getting things updated, and getting to know our local postal workers.

Now fast forward to this spring. After our most recent experience, we weren't necessarily praying that anything would happen soon, just that it would happen in a way that would allow for us to know without a doubt that this would be a story our family would be woven into. Around the first week of April, I started feeling such an urgency to be praying for our next referral. This urgency would come while I was teaching, preparing dinner, or in the middle of the night. I started composing emails to friends and family and yet they remained in my drafts folder because I couldn't quite articulate all that I was feeling.

On the evening of May 1st, after putting our little man to bed, Micah and I sat down to talk. Our conversation eventually led to the things we would like to accomplish this summer and what projects we should do on the house. As that list began to grow, we started to feel overwhelmed and shortly after Micah suggested that we maybe begin looking at some different homes to have a better understanding of our options. The thought of this made me sad. I love our home, the work we have put into it, the tree we planted in M's honor, the fact that it was our first home and where we brought M home to. Even typing this, I get teary eyed thinking about having to leave it behind. However, I also know that what we want to accomplish will demand a lot of my husband and I would much rather spend that time with him. So here is how the week unfolds:

  • Wednesday evening - We have a conversation regarding our home and looking for other options
  • Thursday - We begin looking at homes online
  • Friday - Micah shows me pictures of a home he found online that he really likes, I have a conversation with a dear friend about the process of selling a home by owner
  • Sunday - We look at a few houses with some friends, one being the house Micah found online. He loves it. After Micah finishes teaching at church we head home and make the decision to put our house up for sale by owner.
  • Monday - We begin touching up the house and while working in the kitchen Micah tells me, "You are usually the emotionally led person, but I just have such a strong feeling that this house (the one he found online Friday) is the home that we are suppose to live in. 
  • Tuesday - 
    • In the middle of teaching, my phone rings - it is our adoption agency. I let it go to voice mail.
    • After a full day of teaching I head home to meet with a gentleman giving us a bid on house work. Thirty minutes after he leaves, I am meeting with the realtor for a market analysis. He tells me what he thinks the house is worth and that he potentially has someone that would be interested and pay cash. We also schedule an appointment to do another walk through on the house Micah likes. 
    • This whole time I am starting to freak out about how quickly things are moving with our family - we are NOT these people! People that make sudden decisions and big changes to our lives!
    • The realtor leaves and I rush off to get the little man from school. As we are walking back to the car, I am explaining to him how will be going to look at a house that evening. We talk about how this move would allow for our family to have a little more room for when his brother or sister comes home. His immediate reply, "You mean when they both come home."
    • We start driving home and within 30 seconds I get another call from our adoption agency. I pull over and tell M. that he needs to be quiet because this might be about his brother or sister. His reply, "Tell them I want my babies!" The following conversation went something like this: 
Holt: "Hi, yada, yada, yada - small talk that I can't remember"
Me: Freaking out and trying to control my voice 
Holt: "Well, I am calling because we have a referral for your family."
Me: "Oh wow! Can you tell me about the child?"
Holt: "Well, it is actually two referrals."
Me: "What?! Really?! Well can you tell me about the children?"
Holt: "It is a sibling set. A 4 year old girl and a 2 year old boy."
Me: "A girl and a boy?!" - Uncontrollable sobbing begins
Little M: Raises his fists up in the air and says with such joy, "I told you they had my babies!!!!"

After the phone call ended, M. and I headed to Micah's work to share the news. Of course, I started by telling him about the house and what the realtor had shared. Then the little man was able to tell his Aba the exciting news. Micah could hardly believe it and immediately wanted to see pictures of the two babes. 

Our family, overwhelmed with excitement and shocked, had very little time to process as we rushed off to the house appointment. As the evening wore on, we were able to share the news with family and some friends - the whole time feeling amazed at our little man's faith that this is what would happen!

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We feel so honored that we have been invited into this beautiful story and that our families journey will be woven together with these two beautiful children. Despite the odds, regardless of "the rules", God showed himself by answering the consistent prayers of our son M. Now we pray that this story captures the beauty of who God is and offers hope and encouragement. We certainly know that not a day will go by, when we look at the faces of these two babes and are reminded of the incredible ways in which God works. 

Monday, April 29, 2013

Unexpected Encouragement

Found the following here: 

We waited for a little over 2 years for our two.  There were some DARK days.  Days were we didn't trust in Gods promise, days we didn't know if we would get our daughter home, days that the dawn seemed like it was never going to come.  (you should probably download "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson and put it on repeat). 

So I just wanted to encourage those of you in the waiting.  God has spoken, and He has a child(ren) prepared for you to love.  You might not understand His timing now, or you might not ever understand it.  But His timing is perfect.  His vision and plan for your family awaits it's appointed time.  If it seems slow, wait for it!  it will surely come!  it will not delay!  

then I promise, the day you have your baby(ies) home, and you are sitting on the floor of your living room reading that scripture again (while listening to Before the Morning), you will bawl your eyes out at Gods faithfulness.  

His timing is PERFECT.  
wait for it, believe in it, pray circles around it.
it will come!

Monday, April 15, 2013

What is Harder Than the Wait?

Waiting is hard. 

Having the patience to endure these days, weeks, and months that pass between now and when we receive the phone call.

It sometimes feels like an insurmountable task.

Little did we know that there would be something even harder than the wait. 

It has taken me a long time to come to grips with writing this all down. Maybe it's a matter of pride, maybe it's that the pain is still fresh and raw, and the emotions still high. 

However, I write with the hopes that one day it will feel less painful, and our experience will offer some sense of comfort to another.

My family had just finished an incredible family vacation in Zion National Park and we were making the long drive home feeling refreshed and thankful for the time together and abundant amount of sunshine. Shortly before Provo, Utah we received a phone call from our adoption agency - which was completely unexpected. You can imagine our hearts reaction to what has been a long awaited phone conversation.

We were told that they had a little girl they would like to match with us! She had just turned five and recently entered the care center. For some reason, I felt the need to protect M. and we chose to not speak too much about it in front of him, which limited the car conversations so I just began praying for the situation and the little girl.

I would be lying if I said that I felt complete peace about the situation - but I couldn't really put my thumb on what was causing a sense of unrest. My mind was filled with thoughts of whether or not this was right, could I love her the way she deserves to be loved? I prayed endlessly that God would bring peace, wisdom, and a sense of family when we read through her intake information.

Shortly after passing the Wyoming border the email arrived containing all of her information. As I read through the documents, certain things started standing out that raised concern for me. My heart began to sink and I grew more and more anxious. When I finally opened the photos, I knew instantly that she was older than five.

Up to this point I hadn't verbalized any of these thoughts or concerns to Micah, I simply handed him my phone showing him the pictures. His response echoed my concerns.

The drive back to Laramie felt like an eternity and I couldn't look at M. without crying. His heart has longed have a sibling for so long and I couldn't make my heart feel at peace with this particular child. I also felt such a strong need to honor and protect M. and his place in our family. I knew that it would be hard for him to suddenly have a "little" sister that towered above him. As much as it didn't feel right, how could we say no to a child in need of a home?

Micah and I stayed up well past midnight trying to reason through the situation and pleading to God  to speak to us, bring us a sense of peace and confirm our decision. Then morning came and with it was no sense of peace, but even more anxiety.

Once again, Micah and I stayed up well past our usual time wrestling with our decision. We couldn't find the enthusiasm or peace that we anticipated being there. As shameful as it feels to say no, it wasn't until we finally decided to let her go, that we both felt we could breath a little deeper and found peace again.

We want nothing more than to grow our family and realize that with the privileges that we have been granted we can provide a home for those in need. However, we also felt that we need to honor our little M. and the fact that he is the "1st born" in our family.

Our decision did bring a sense of peace, but with it also came a range of additional emotions: sadness, grief, shamefulness, embarrassment, failure, doubt, etc. Will this cause us to wait longer? What does this say about us as parents, as people? What if we don't feel peace with the next referral? What if, what if, what if?!? Out of nowhere - even weeks later - I am gripped with such a sense of extreme sadness for this situation and for this little girl. I am praying that we have not prevented her from the opportunity to weave her story together with another family.

We want to believe that this is another chance for us to practice hope and trust, but honestly speaking we are a little  whole lot scared and sad.




Friday, December 21, 2012

A Rollercoaster

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We have been in the process of updating our home study and immigration paperwork since the wait has been so long. We currently have some friends living in the basement and that has added some extra hurdles to the updating process. 

Long story short, there has been a lot of stress and a lot of paperwork that needs completed to make deadlines. We are still missing the final copy of our home study - ARGH! - and so we had to file a request for extension..... and Christmas is in four days. 

I hope we make it!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Wrestling with the Wait

It has been a long time since I last posted....

That is because there hasn't been much going on besides waiting,

and waiting,

and waiting.

The wait is.... bittersweet.

Some days the wait is fine because I am able to block out completely all that is weighing heavy on my mind and heart. I am able to enjoy every moment with the beautiful son that has already blessed my life beyond imagination. I am able to focus completely on the now.

Other days the wait feels like a burden that can find no comfort. These are the days when I want to withdrawal from people, when my heart aches for our little one(s), when I can't stomach looking at another baby, finding out that once again another person is pregnant. These are the days when I want to shed tears for the faces the haunt my mind as they wait. These are the days when I want to scream that this is a great need in our world and people should perhaps care a little less about their first world problems and a little more about the world - especially the church. I can't even begin to tell you how saddened I am that it is the month of November (National Adoption Month) and very little, if anything has been mentioned. What are we advocating for then?!

The wait.

Unfortunately this extended period of waiting in my life has done very little to change how I deal with the wait. I think of those that have waited longer, those that waited 40 years for God's promise.

I hope we don't have to wait 40 years.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Adoption Gives Love

“Adoption has given us love. A new person to be loved by. A new person to love. It teaches us commitment that isn’t circumstantial, whose roots wriggle way down to stretch deeper than feeling, a relationship with a memory longer than the present moment.”